Because I write this blog and another parenting blog, and because I am a parent of a pretty good variety of children (2 girls and 1 boy, ages 6-13, incredibly different personalities), I read a lot of parenting sites.  I go to forums and discussion boards, and they are quite often rewarding, supportive and interesting.

But there’s always that one person, who has to say something about working moms (not dads, of course).  This doozy is in response to a question posted by a working mom about a concern she had about the babysitter’s conduct.  The responder wrote:
 
Maybe you should think of getting a new babysitter or better yet maybe you should stay home and raise your little one yourself.  Maybe you could get a smaller/less expensive house and a less expensive car and get rid of the frills so you could stay home and raise your child. There is nothing more rewarding then spending quality time and shaping your childs mind in the right direction then having some stranger do it for you and doing it wrong at the same time.

This is so offensive to me.  The responder knew nothing, absolutely nothing, about the questioner’s income, lifestyle, values, or love for her child.  And it happens so often that some judgmental person whose husband makes 100K a year looks down on the rest of us for working when we have kids.  And yes, I know I just made the same assumption about her that she makes about us, but who else could even consider that we work for nothing but frills and vanities?

As if we work to pay for fancy expensive houses and fancy expensive cars. 

My sister and I are working mothers–married to dedicated, working fathers–and we work to pay the mortgage s on barely-big-enough houses, utilities, and car payments and insurance on elderly cars. 

We work to buy food and to pay the dues for soccer, choir, and cheerleading.

We work to buy birthday presents and keep the heat on in the winter (don’t even ask about air conditioning–this isn’t a “frill” lifestyle we’re talking about).

We work so that when the schools send these kids out selling candy and magazines so that they can get a swingset on their empty playground, we can buy something.

We work so that when one of our children is sick, we can afford the co-pay on an office visit and a prescription (those of us lucky enough to have insurance, that is–the rest of us are working just to pay the whole cost out of pocket).

We have two cars, one is 10 years old and one is 20.  We work to pay the $2.49 that gas costs us here and for the frequent repairs that such well-used cars require.

We work to pay my in-laws back, because we couldn’t afford to get the roof fixed last year and they paid for it.

We can’t afford vacations, and my kids’ clothes come from garage sales and thrift shops.

We have a great life.  We are happy, healthy, and love each other.  We go to parks, play ball in the front yard, ride bikes, sing, read books, and put on shows. 

But we have no frills.  Sure, there are frills I want.  I’d love a new minivan and a new desktop computer.  I’d like central air again, and I’d love to take the kids on a real vacation.

Working moms do not work to maintain some materialistic lifestyle.  We don’t love our “frills” more than our kids.  We work because we love our kids more than frills, more than freedom, more than anything.

Now, the question of whether it’s good for moms to work is an age-old one.  Is it better for a mom to stay home or for a mom to go to work?

I don’t think there’s a black-and-white answer to that.

In our little family we’ve done everything from two full-time parents to stay-at-home-mom to stay-at-home-dad to two parents working a combined 5 part-time jobs.  Our kids have been homeschooled and they’ve been in full time daycare and they’ve stayed half-days with friends and now they’re all in public school… and our kids have turned out great.

We parents are just doing what we have to do to get our kids the things they need.  Most of us have very few frills.  So don’t judge our house that you’ve never seen and our ancient cars and our values.  

Like I said, we don’t have much, and we work our tails off.  But our kids are healthy, kind, smart, and respectful.  And our life is really good.

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