Yesterday’s Detroit Free Press had a really good article about blended families, some of the challenges they face, and how they can be made to work. I liked that they spotlighted one black family and one white family, and that there were kids involved that didn’t always come from previous marriages–important since about 40% of kids are born out of wedlock.
It’s not easy bringing two previously coupled people along with their kids together and making them into a new, unique family. There are so many issues, such as rivalries and jealousies and attention and the distribution of discipline. Then there’s percieved favoritism and the wild-card of the other parents’ influence.
But families can and do overcome these challenges. It’s important to remember, though, that it takes more work, done more consistently than a first family takes, because statistics show that second marraiges fail more often than first ones do.
Here are some tips to making blended families work. Notice that much of this advice has to do with how the adults act toward each other, even more than how they act toward the kids.
- Progress, not perfection. If you have realistic expectations and hold your family to them, they will meet them. Usually. Except when they don’t. Be patient, remind often, and praise progress. In the meantime, everyone should forgive each other for not being perfect.
- Earning respect takes time. As the step-parent (or as one book calls them, “bonus” parent), you are a new element in a family’s life. Show your new spouse and new kids that you can be trusted and that you deserve respect by behaving in such as way as to demand those things.
- Stick up for your spouse. If your kids are being disrespectful to your new husband or wife, it’s your job, not your spouse’s, to put a stop to that. If you don’t respect your partner enough to defend them, your kids won’t respect them, etiher.
- Put kids first. Both sets of parents have to have the well-being of their kids as their top priotity…all their kids, not his or hers.
- Never badmouth your ex in front of your kids. It doesn’t matter if your ex badmouths you. It doesn’t matter if they truly are a jerk. Your kids will figure that out on their own. Kids of divorce already struggle with the feeling they have to take sides, and they will often side with the underdog, the most ganged-up-on parent.
- Set boundaries and be generous with praise. Don’t fall into the “you’re not my real mom/dad” trap. In your home, you have a right to set and enforce boundaries (and your spouse should be taking a front-and-center role in this). A few rules, consistently enforced will do wonders for the amount of respect you get from your partner’s kids. Add to that sincere and frequent praise for things you take the time to notice, and these kids will come to like and respct you for the long term.
- Create a list of family rules that everyone has to follow. All kids follow the same rules, whether those kids are his, hers, or theirs, and the same consequences apply to anyone breaking the rules. That immediately undercuts the temptation to play favorites. It’s often helpful to allow kids to be part of the rule-making.
Blended family life is a challenge, no doubt about it, but it can also expand the love and support in a child’s life in ways they’ll never forget…and that’s always a god thing.
Related posts:
