This is the story, published yesterday in the Schenectady Daily Gazette, of a man whose 13-year-old son was out of control. Stealing, fighting, bullying, hitting girls… lots of really awful stuff.  This kid was going down the wrong road.  His parents are divorced, and the boy was suspended for stealing things out of teachers’ purses and attacking another boy with a ruler. 

So, when the boy was suspended, the dad picked him up from school and spanked him with a belt.

“I was just trying to be a parent,” Fisher said. “He’s 13 now. I’m trying to raise him to be a man. I couldn’t just sit back and watch him going down the wrong road.”

Four hours later, after the boy was returned to his mother’s house, the police came and arrested Fisher.

Of course, the anti-spanking crowd is horrified by this.  “When kids are spanked, they learn to resolve their problems by hitting,” these folks say.  But it sounds like this kid already knew how to hit all on his own.

The crux of the problem is the fact that the boy got his hide tanned with a belt, not just with an open palm.  Parents will almost never get arrested or charged for infrequent, open palm spanking. 

We do spank our kids occasionally, though only for one offense (lying), and only a few swats with an open palm.  It happens very seldom, but when it does, it makes an impression on them.  But I’ve also seen what happens when spanking is a first resort, not a last one, and that’s no good, either.  Those kids get so inured to it that they still do whatever the heck they want.

Americans are very conflicted about spanking as discipline.  It seems to me that if it is rare and it is a spelled out consequence, it can be effective.  But using a belt seems over the top to me.  Belts, brushes, wooden spoons, or other objects, hurt far more than a hand, and they humiliate more, too.  It’s hard to imagine a good outcome for that situation.

Phot Courtesy of Paul Turke

So, you’re going to be a dad. Your wife or girlfriend is pregnant, and it was your little guys that crossed the finish line. Take a deep breath and believe what I’m about to tell you: This is good news. Sure, maybe you’re a little terrified. Understandable. This is a life-long deal, and that’s always scary. And things will change—you bet they will. But babies somehow have a way of making that okay. Not perfect, not uncomplicated, but worth the cost.

This post is not about how to be a great dad (you’re not quite there yet). You still have to get through a pregnancy. There are few things in life that will affect you more than this, and few things you have such little control over. You are support staff, but your job is vital. Women can and do go through this alone, but it’s always better when someone is at your side.

Here are a few tips on how to handle your lady’s pregnancy.  First, we’ll talk about what to do for her, and next time we’ll focus more on you, the daddy.

What to do for her:

• Be happy. Maybe you planned this pregnancy, maybe you didn’t, but she is desperately worried that you’re going to be unhappy about it. Reassure her. Now, in all truth, you may have very mixed feelings about this, and there will be a time to talk about those. But just now, when she first tells you, be happy.
• Participate. If she wants you to read an article about fetal development, read it. Maybe you could even track down some articles yourself. Go with her to doctor appointments—maybe not all of them, but a few. Especially go with her to the ultrasound and share that first view of your baby. Learn all you can about baby care; it’s not just the mom’s job!
• Pamper and protect. Go out of your way to take some extra care of her, but don’t treat her like an invalid. Pregnancy is not a sickness. Don’t get exasperated if she needs something strange or inconvenient, or if she’s in a crabby mood from time to time. You don’t have to let her walk all over you, but she has huge amounts of hormones rushing through her bloodstream—cut her some slack.
• Talk it out. You can share your worries and fears… in fact, she might be waiting for you to do that before she shares hers. Anxiety is normal—will you be able to afford this? Will you be any good at it? Will she still have time for you once the baby is born? Will you still have an important role in the family once it’s mommy-and-baby? Let her know you’re thinking these things.