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The parenting column in the New York Times today discusses the problem of kids and stealing.  Is it a normal phase kids go through, o r does it presage issues of character or behavior that parents need to worry about?  I remember being about 5 years old and seeing a candy bar that had fallen underneath the display case in the grocery store.  I somehow got it into my head that those fallen candy bars were free, so I took it.  Of course, a few minutes later, when my mom found out, I was marched back into the store, and made to tell the manager what I had done and to give the candy bar back.  The thing was, I didn’t think I was stealing, I just thought those were free candy bars.

Apparently that sort of thing is pretty normal, according to pediatrician Perri Klass’s article.  Different things are going on with kids at different ages, though.  For a toddler, boundaries have to come from the outside, because they aren’t able to set them on the inside.  A toddler’s entire thought process is “I see it, I want it, I take it, it’s mine.”  Toddlers have to be taught–patiently and consistently–that not everything they see or want is theirs.

Klass then goes on to talk about kids who are a little older–old enough to know that what they’re doing is wrong and to try to cover it up by lying or hiding.  These kids are testing, she says.  They want to be caught.  They need to be caught.  She quotes Dr. Barbara  Howard of Johns Hopkins, who says, “Kids are trying to find out what happens if you get caught, and one of the biggest problems is if you don’t catch them. They’re trying to find out what the rules are, and if nobody catches them and says, ‘That’s wrong, you have to give that back or pay for it,’ they don’t get a sense of being properly supervised.”

So if stealing is a fairly normal developmental phase, are there times when parents should be concerned about stealing?  Yes.  When a child is stealing as a means of acting out, he may need help dealing with the underlying issue.  Stealing something of a sibling’s or classmate’s could indicate self-esteem problems or underlying resentments that must be addressed.  In those cases, stealing is only a symptom.

For the most part, stealing needs to be dealt with gently but firmly, with boundaries set and reiterated and consequences immediate and consistent.  But pay close attention; if your child needs extra help dealing with some kind of emotional problem, it’s your job to notice that, too.