We all want to be close to our kids, but treating your child like your best friend will turn her into a major brat. You don’t believe me? Well, unfortunately it’s true. Becoming friends with your son or daughter may seem like the perfect way to achieve a close relationship. And it’ll make your child feel special, powerful and grown-up.  But the desire to be liked by your little one can make it tough to set limits and stand up to her. The result is that a child that has no qualms about talking back or challenging authority and who thinks she’s the one running the show.

To be an effective parent you should know how to confront inappropriate behavior and say no to unrealistic demands. Don’t get me wrong here, it’s not bad to make friends with your child, you can develop friendship with her but don’t forget your limitations. Act like a parent and not a pushover.

*Call the shots: Lay down rules for behavior. (such as no running inside the house or throwing food at the table)Enforce them 100 percent of the time, even during playtime. Learn to be consistent because if you aren’t, don’t expect your child to follow you.

*Get a thicker skin: So what should you do when your child dissolves into tears because you tell her she can’t have more cookies? Stay calm and realize that she’s upset because she’s not getting her way, nit because she doesn’t love you. Remind yourself that children have the capacity to work through disappointments in a remarkably short period of time.

*Help your child branch out: if your child spends every spare time with you, then he probably doesn’t have much an opportunity to find out what he likes to do on his own or with other kids. You should also create opportunities for your child to be with other kids. Go to the park and allow your child to interact with his playmates.

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Preschoolers may know the rules of fair play, but learning to share can still be a major challenge.

Wouldn’t it be great if your hear your child saying to his friend “Sure, you can play with my favorite robot anytime” well according to the studies of Child development, 3 -4 year olds tend to cling passionately to their possessions. They are so focused on their wants and needs that sharing just isn’t their priority.

Even though kids at this age are usually having a hard time sharing, they can be surprisingly generous when adults encourage them to do so.  Here are some steps you can take to help the process along:

• Encourage your child to share with you – This will be easier because your child knows that you won’t have a tantrum or grab his toys. Frequently ask for his favorite toy and remind him that he can ask for it back properly.
• Go to the playground – This is the best place to learn how to “take turns”  because the equipment there doesn’t belong to anyone. Your child will see that everyone gets a chance to go down the slide.
• Don’t force your child to share everything – During a playdate, ask your child which toys he’s willing to share. If he’s not willing to share his favorite toy, you can tell him to keep it first. This will make it easier for him to loosen his grip on toys the rest of the time.
• Teach the basics of negotiation- When a conflict arises sit with both kids and talk about what to do. Instead of yelling and grabbing the toys, your child can trade another toy for it, ask if he can play with it when the other child is done. You can also suggest that they play together.
• Skip the lecture. – If your child is frustrated because he doesn’t want to take turns, he won’t listen to any of your discussions about sharing. Try to distract him with another activity and just remember that sharing is easier on some days than others.

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Parents have different ways of disciplining their children. Some are lenient; others are strict. However, they have to remind themselves that kids are just beginning to learn what is right and wrong. Discipline should be a time of learning, not a time of pressuring a child.  Pressuring your little one may stress him out, and this may cause him to misbehave more. You may consider the following suggestions when it comes to disciplining your child:

*Do not freak out. – Losing your cool in front of your child may frighten him. It will make him focus on your reaction rather than what he did wrong. If the child misbehaved in a manner that makes you lose your temper, you might use hurtful words so you would have to calm down first before you talk to him.

*Set an example. – Point out what he did wrong. You can use some children stories that will make him easily understand what you’re trying to say. Be creative in such a way that you’ll get his attention.

* Be consistent. – It is important that you are consistent on how you discipline you child. Don’t tolerate any repeated misbehavior. Your child needs to know that you mean what you say. It’s like making a promise and keeping it.

*Give warnings before punishment. -Like what I’ve said earlier, children are just beginning to learn what is right and wrong. Give them time to adjust. Giving warnings will help him understand what you’re trying to say. This will cause him to act the right way whenever his tempted to misbehave.

* Reward him for a good behavior – Children love receiving treats. Learn to reward them for their good behavior. It motivates them to do the right thing.

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Image courtesy of YMCA Memphis

Are your kids off to camp yet?  For the past several years, my girls have gone to Girl Scout camp; we’re lucky to have one about 45 minutes away. This year, though, they’re going to church camps with friends.

Of course, there are lots of different kinds of camps. My husband went to violin camp. There are leadership camps and athletic camps (my nephew goes to weight camp), science camps and art camps. Later this summer my oldest daughter will go to choir camp.

So what should we parents be looking for in a camp? What kinds of questions should we ask to make sure our kids are safe, that they have a good experience, and that we get our money’s worth?

The American Camp Association has some suggestions on how to choose a camp that we and our kids will be satisfied with.

The following list is their suggestions, but my comments.

• What is the camp’s philosophy and program emphasis?  This has to do with what the camp is for, and what their goals are for your child.  Girl Scout or Boy Scout camps will be different from religious camps, artistic camps or athetic camps.  Their philosophy can be seen in pamphlets or on a website; do they want to toughen your kids up, or bring out his creative side?  Do you want the same thing they want?

• What is the camp director’s background?  The director sets the tone for the rest of the staff, so you want to know that they are experienced and qualified.  Make sure to ask.

• What training do counselors receive?  At the very minimum, they should have training in first aid and conflict resolution, and have taken a course in sexual misconduct prevention.  Other considerations may depend on what kind of camp it is, but they should be well able to teach and guide your kids they way you expect.

• What is the counselor-to-camper ratio?  The ACA recommends 1:5 for kids 4-5, 1:6 for kids 6-8, 1:8 for kids 9-14, and 1:10 for older teens, 15-17.  That’s a pretty reasonable expectation.  I’d go with it.

• What are the ages of the counselors?  ACA recommends that at least 80% of the counsellors should be 18 or older.  In camps for special needs kids, that’s 100%.  All counselors should be at least 2 years over the age of the campers they’re supervising.   Younger counselors are full of energy and fun, but more experienced ones can handle things better; they’ve learned good judgment the hard way.

• What are desired qualities in camp staff?  Should they be tough disciplinarians?  Gentle nurturers?  Fun loving clowns?  Serious leaders?  Find out what qualities your camp requires, and what additinal qualities your counselors have. 

• What percentage of the counselors returned from last year?  If it’s a good camp and they have positive relatinships with kids, parents and other staff, they’ll want to come back.  If the camp is full of conflict, disorganization, and boredom, they won’t.  ACA says it’s usual for 40%-60% of staff to return.

• How are behavioral and disciplinary problems handled?  Running laps?  Time outs?  Removal of privileges?  Are counselors trained in violence prevention?  Jsut like with school or other extracurricular activities, you as a parent have to be comfortable with the discipline policy, so make sure you know it.  It should be readily available for you to see.

• How does the camp handle special needs?  Are you vegetarians?  Is your child asthmatic?  Will they need daily medication?  Does your religion prescribe a specific diet or certain prayer times during the camp term?  Ask if these things can be accomodated before you send your child–even before you send in a deposit.

• How does the camp handle homesickness and other adjustment issues?  Kids get upset, especially on the first few nights.  A strange bed, unfamiliar company, and a new routine can ratchet up their anxiety.  How do counselors deal with this?  Is it part of their training, or do they just wing it?

• What about references?  Get the names and numbers of a few people who have been to this camp.  Ask them what they didn’t like about the camp.  Find out if they are returning.  Chances are that the camp will give you references of people who had good experiences, and those are very helpful, but with the right questions you can find out what you need to know.

Those are some good places to start.  If you ask those questions, chances are you’ll get a pretty thorough sense of what kind of experience your child will have at camp.  And then you can be completely guilt-free when you enjoy yourself, since you know they’ll be having the best experience possible!

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Yesterday’s Detroit Free Press had a really good article about blended families, some of the challenges they face, and how they can be made to work.  I liked that they spotlighted one black family and one white family, and that there were kids involved that didn’t always come from previous marriages–important since about 40% of kids are born out of wedlock.

It’s not easy bringing two previously coupled people along with their kids together and making them into a new, unique family.  There are so many issues, such as rivalries and jealousies and attention and the distribution of discipline.  Then there’s percieved favoritism and the wild-card of the other parents’ influence.

But families can and do overcome these challenges.  It’s important to remember, though, that it takes more work, done more consistently than a first family takes, because statistics show that second marraiges fail more often than first ones do.

Here are some tips to making blended families work.  Notice that much of this advice has to do with how the adults act toward each other, even more than how they act toward the kids. 

• Progress, not perfection.  If you have realistic expectations and hold your family to them, they will meet them.  Usually.  Except when they don’t.  Be patient, remind often, and praise progress.  In the meantime, everyone should forgive each other for not being perfect.
• Earning respect takes time.  As the step-parent (or as one book calls them, “bonus” parent), you are a new element in a family’s life.  Show your new spouse and new kids that you can be trusted and that you deserve respect by behaving in such as way as to demand those things.
• Stick up for your spouse.  If your kids are being disrespectful to your new husband or wife, it’s your job, not your spouse’s, to put a stop to that.  If you don’t respect your partner enough to defend them, your kids won’t respect them, etiher.
• Put kids first.  Both sets of parents have to have the well-being of their kids as their top priotity…all their kids, not his or hers.
• Never badmouth your ex in front of your kids.  It doesn’t matter if your ex badmouths you.  It doesn’t matter if they truly are a jerk.  Your kids will figure that out on their own.  Kids of divorce already struggle with the feeling they have to take sides, and they will often side with the underdog, the most ganged-up-on parent. 
• Set boundaries and be generous with praise.  Don’t fall into the “you’re not my real mom/dad” trap.  In your home, you have a right to set and enforce boundaries (and your spouse should be taking a front-and-center role in this).  A few rules, consistently enforced will do wonders for the amount of respect you get from your partner’s kids.  Add to that sincere and frequent praise for things you take the time to notice, and these kids will come to like and respct you for the long term.
• Create a list of family rules that everyone has to follow.  All kids follow the same rules, whether those kids are his, hers, or theirs, and the same consequences apply to anyone breaking the rules.  That immediately undercuts the temptation to play favorites.  It’s often helpful to allow kids to be part of the rule-making.

Blended family life is a challenge, no doubt about it, but it can also expand the love and support in a child’s life in ways they’ll never forget…and that’s always a god thing.

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This is the story, published yesterday in the Schenectady Daily Gazette, of a man whose 13-year-old son was out of control. Stealing, fighting, bullying, hitting girls… lots of really awful stuff.  This kid was going down the wrong road.  His parents are divorced, and the boy was suspended for stealing things out of teachers’ purses and attacking another boy with a ruler. 

So, when the boy was suspended, the dad picked him up from school and spanked him with a belt.

“I was just trying to be a parent,” Fisher said. “He’s 13 now. I’m trying to raise him to be a man. I couldn’t just sit back and watch him going down the wrong road.”

Four hours later, after the boy was returned to his mother’s house, the police came and arrested Fisher.

Of course, the anti-spanking crowd is horrified by this.  “When kids are spanked, they learn to resolve their problems by hitting,” these folks say.  But it sounds like this kid already knew how to hit all on his own.

The crux of the problem is the fact that the boy got his hide tanned with a belt, not just with an open palm.  Parents will almost never get arrested or charged for infrequent, open palm spanking. 

We do spank our kids occasionally, though only for one offense (lying), and only a few swats with an open palm.  It happens very seldom, but when it does, it makes an impression on them.  But I’ve also seen what happens when spanking is a first resort, not a last one, and that’s no good, either.  Those kids get so inured to it that they still do whatever the heck they want.

Americans are very conflicted about spanking as discipline.  It seems to me that if it is rare and it is a spelled out consequence, it can be effective.  But using a belt seems over the top to me.  Belts, brushes, wooden spoons, or other objects, hurt far more than a hand, and they humiliate more, too.  It’s hard to imagine a good outcome for that situation.

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Some people actually plan their pregnancies–unlike most people in my family.  And really, that’s the best way to go, to choose the next major turn your life will take, rather than have it thrust upon you because you had too many margaritas on New Year’s Eve. 

There are a lot of things to think about if you’re considering getting pregnant.  For this post, I’ll concentrate on getting your body ready, but in the next few posts we’ll talk about your couple-relationship, your finances, and your job.

First, begin taking a multivitamin.  You want your daily recommended allowance of everything, but it’s important that you have plenty of folic acid and calcium.  Folic acid is important in the first trimester for the fetus’ normal neurological development, and calcium is important because the baby’s skeletal development draws calcium from the mother’s system.  If the mother doesn’t get enough calcium, it will be drawn from her bones and teeth.

Next, check with your ob/gyn.  Tell her that you’re thinking about getting pregnant sometime in the next year (or whatever time period you’ve determined).  Follow her advice and counsel.  Get any info you need about your birthing options; that’s not a decision you and your partner will make overnight, so the earlier you know what is available to you, the better.  Ask about any difficulties she might anticipate with conception or carrying.

Get in shape.  If you have a fitness discipline, keep it up.  If you don’t, it’s time to start one.  Try to shed those few extra pounds, and build up your heart, lung, and muscle strength.  Your exercising will be limited during pregnancy, and you’ll be gaining weight at the same time, so you want to do whatever you can now.

Start getting more aware of your body.  Pay attention to your cycle.  Chart your period and when you ovulate.  Notice how you feel during those times.  Discuss these things with your partner, so that you get more comfortable talking about the intimate details of your body together.  If you’re having trouble conceiving, this awareness will serve you well.  When you do conceive, if you know your own body well, you’ll know it verysoon after.

Kegels, Kegels, Kegels.  These are simple exercises you can do anywhere to strengthen the pelvic floor muscles; these are the muscles that support the uterus.  This will strengthen the muscles you’ll use during pregnancy and childbirth, but will also serve you well in other areas.  All you do is squeeze your vaginal mucles together as though you were starting and stopping the flow of urine.  The stronger you can make these muscles, the easier your birthing experience will go, and the sooner everything will be back in nice, tight shape afterward.

Practice.  Making babies is fun!  It also helps build intimacy between you and your partner.  You probably better start working on it now, so when the time comes, you’ll be ready to go. 

Have fun!

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