Children get scared when they witness a fight between their parents. For one thing, seeing a parent lose emotional control leaves a child feeling vulnerable. Beyond that, kids often feel responsible for their parents’ disagreements, even when the fight doesn’t involve them. Children also worry in a very concrete way about what will happen to their own life if their parents don’t get along.

The flip side, however, is that children benefit enormously by seeing that their parents still love each other, even after a bad fight. It’s valuable for children to see that if parents are headstrong, lose their tempers, and make mistakes, they can say “I lost it, I’m sorry” When they see their parents emerge from a fight and listen to each other respectfully, they learn that it’s okay for people to have differences. And when they see their parents talking about feelings, they learn to do the same.

Even when their parents are great role models, however, children may still need to be drawn out if they seem upset after an argument.Parents should know how to talk and explain to their children that sometimes people get mad, but still talk about their feelings and work it out. Children should also learn the value of forgiveness. They should know that forgiveness can make things alright, it’s a part of the natural sequence of fight and that, as scary as fights can be, all loving people have them. Parents should learn to humble themselves infront of their child and learn to say sorry.

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One woman, looking back over her childhood, reports to the site Sasian.org, “I believed EVERYTHING my sister told me. I was dumb, homely, stupid, fat. No one would ever love me.”

That woman is a victim, not just of fighting with her sister, but of sibling abuse.  Sibling abuse is the most common and the most accepted form of domestic abuse.  Some estimates say that as many as 53% of kids experience abuse at the hands of one of their siblings. 

This can be hard to accept, because we all know that siblings fight, sometimes even physically.  Names are called, feelings are hurt, blame is cast.  Usually, the siblings are friends again before too long.  Fighting can be an important developmental tool for learning how to negotiate or to make choices that benefit the highest number of people. 

And face it, which of us didn’t fight with our siblings growing up?

But abuse crosses a line that simple fighting between siblings doesn’t.  One psychologist defines that line by saying that abuse includes actions whose intent is to tear someone else down.

If your kids’ fights seem to be crossing that line, there are some things to look for.

• What is it you’re worried about?  Can they argue but not hit? Express anger but not raise voices?  What benavior is happening that is not acceptable?  If you can identify the actions, you can then find better ways to deal with the emotions.
• Does the same sibling always win the fight?  They may be misusing their suprior strength or knowledge to intimidate their sibling. 
• Is the victim getting more passive? Does he or she submit to the other’s will just to avoid a fight?

There are a few things you can do to help stave off any abuse that might happen. 

First, make it clear which actions will not be tolerated in your home, such as hitting.  Make it clear that there will be consequences, and enforce those consequences every time.

Second, help the kids express themselves clearly, and not resort to meanness to express their hurt, anger, or confusion.  If the older sibling hits the younger because she is annoying, help her isolate just what it is that bothers her, and help her find another solution.  The more involved the kids are, the more they will care about it.

Siblings can be the best friends we’ll ever have.  But that means we can’t let our kids ruin those relationships now,  and just expect them to be fine when they grow up.  Childhood hurts linger for decades.  And abuse has no place in our homes, no matter who’s doing it.

Additional information from sasian. org.  Image from parenting-blog.net.