The Difficult Child, by Stanley Turecki, MD

Raising Your Spirited Child: A Guide for Parents Whose Child is More—Intense, Sensitive, Perceptive, Persistent, Energetic, by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka

I am reviewing these books together because they are written on the same issue—the challenges of raising challenging children. Both authors, practitioners and scholars in their field, use the same behavior theory in discussing behavior, and both give similar guidance in living with children with these behaviors. In brief, they talk about a child’s temperament, the way his or her personality is wired, and how that basic temperament is a neutral quality. A child cannot help his emotional wiring, and should not be blamed to punished for being that way. Most parents can relate to this; each of us, I am sure, has noticed something our child has consistently done or a reaction they always have, and said, “You know, she’s always been that way.”

Behaviors, however, are a different matter. No matter what a child’s temperament is like, some behaviors are not acceptable, and many of these behaviors seem to go hand in hand with certain temperaments. Each of these authors offers practical suggestions on how to address behaviors in children of different challenging temperaments, and how to notice those same qualities in ourselves. This is extremely helpful when dealing with a child who might be hard to understand. You can’t help being an introvert, you know how you get when your plans get changed at the last minute, you realize that your intensity is both a bane and a blessing. This self-examination, recommended by both authors, can open the readers’ eyes to what their children are dealing with internally, since children often inherit temperamental traits from their parents.

The differences between the books are really a matter of the reader’s stye. Each one offers similar information and guidance. You may prefer to call your child “spirited,” or you may have no illusions about your kid’s difficult traits. The Turecki book is a bit more scholarly, and is endorsed by other scholars in the field, including Dr. Stella Chess, one of the doctors who ran the pioneering decades-long study on temperament in people. The Kurcinka book is more chatty, and includes some of her sessions with a parents’ support group, so she is chronicling the real life experiences of people you get to know—one m\or more of whom is likely something like the reader. Both authors stress the dignity of the child, though Kurcinka puts more emphasis on avoiding labels and exploring the positive aspects of your child’s temperament. One of the best things about both of these books is that the reader is brought to see that their children’s difficult personality traits also have a good side. In fact, they’re often the things we love most about our kids.

Since every human being has an inborn, unchangeable temperament, these books would be useful for parents whose kids wouldn’t fall into the “difficult” or “spirited” categories. They’re not bad for taking a good look at ourselves, either.

Scenario Number One: Child Number One is fighting with Child Number Two. As the fight escalates Child Number Two, who has a wad of gum in their mouth, proceeds to take the gum out of their mouth and grind it into the hair of Child Number One.

What do you do?

Scenario Number Two: Despite being told not to chew gum after going to bed, your child pops a couple of pieces of gum into their mouth and, in the morning, comes to you teary-eyed and fretful because, not only are they sporting the proof that they did something that you told them not to do, the gum that was in their mouth when they fell asleep is now entangled in their hair.

What do you do?

Scenario Number Three: Your child is in training. They’re going to blow the world’s biggest bubble-gum bubble. They huff, puff and blow until they’re red in the face and you start to think that your ambitious child is about to pass out. Then, the bubble breaks. A world record isn’t achieved, but the huge bubble your child blew is now a sticky mess that’s clinging to your child’s hair.

What do you do?

Do you reach for a pair of scissors and begin cutting out the gum? You could, but you don’t have too.

Do you open the freezer and apply ice to the gooey candy, making it hard enough to try and scrape off you child’s hair? Yeah, that would work as well. But you should also be ready to hear your child tell you that your fingernails on their hair as you pull at the hardened gum are hurting them.

Or, do you go to the cupboard and open up a jar of your favourite peanut butter?

Yep. Peanut butter; creamy or chunky, take your pick!

Dip your fingers – or knife or spoon – into a jar of peanut butter and massage into the gum in your child’s hair. The oily properties in the peanut butter will break down the gum and all your child will have to do is wash away the peanut butter!

Take it from someone who knows! I almost got an impromptu haircut before someone told my mom about this little-known property of peanut butter.

Also, peanut butter can be used to get gum out of clothing. Massage peanut butter into the gum until the oily properties in the peanut butter break down the gum. Then, treat the clothing with a de-greaser as to remove the oil stain the peanut butter left behind. Remember – don’t put that piece of clothing into the dryer between washings. The heat from the dryer will lock-in the oil stain.

Good Luck!

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Making the decision to have a child is momentous.  It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.

~Elizabeth Stone

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