Yesterday’s Detroit Free Press had a really good article about blended families, some of the challenges they face, and how they can be made to work.  I liked that they spotlighted one black family and one white family, and that there were kids involved that didn’t always come from previous marriages–important since about 40% of kids are born out of wedlock.

It’s not easy bringing two previously coupled people along with their kids together and making them into a new, unique family.  There are so many issues, such as rivalries and jealousies and attention and the distribution of discipline.  Then there’s percieved favoritism and the wild-card of the other parents’ influence.

But families can and do overcome these challenges.  It’s important to remember, though, that it takes more work, done more consistently than a first family takes, because statistics show that second marraiges fail more often than first ones do.

Here are some tips to making blended families work.  Notice that much of this advice has to do with how the adults act toward each other, even more than how they act toward the kids. 

• Progress, not perfection.  If you have realistic expectations and hold your family to them, they will meet them.  Usually.  Except when they don’t.  Be patient, remind often, and praise progress.  In the meantime, everyone should forgive each other for not being perfect.
• Earning respect takes time.  As the step-parent (or as one book calls them, “bonus” parent), you are a new element in a family’s life.  Show your new spouse and new kids that you can be trusted and that you deserve respect by behaving in such as way as to demand those things.
• Stick up for your spouse.  If your kids are being disrespectful to your new husband or wife, it’s your job, not your spouse’s, to put a stop to that.  If you don’t respect your partner enough to defend them, your kids won’t respect them, etiher.
• Put kids first.  Both sets of parents have to have the well-being of their kids as their top priotity…all their kids, not his or hers.
• Never badmouth your ex in front of your kids.  It doesn’t matter if your ex badmouths you.  It doesn’t matter if they truly are a jerk.  Your kids will figure that out on their own.  Kids of divorce already struggle with the feeling they have to take sides, and they will often side with the underdog, the most ganged-up-on parent. 
• Set boundaries and be generous with praise.  Don’t fall into the “you’re not my real mom/dad” trap.  In your home, you have a right to set and enforce boundaries (and your spouse should be taking a front-and-center role in this).  A few rules, consistently enforced will do wonders for the amount of respect you get from your partner’s kids.  Add to that sincere and frequent praise for things you take the time to notice, and these kids will come to like and respct you for the long term.
• Create a list of family rules that everyone has to follow.  All kids follow the same rules, whether those kids are his, hers, or theirs, and the same consequences apply to anyone breaking the rules.  That immediately undercuts the temptation to play favorites.  It’s often helpful to allow kids to be part of the rule-making.

Blended family life is a challenge, no doubt about it, but it can also expand the love and support in a child’s life in ways they’ll never forget…and that’s always a god thing.

I’m writing this post with the assumption that you are planning this pregnancy with a committed partner.  I know that’s not always the case; a mature single woman can plan a pregnancy all on her own, and most of what I’ve wrtten so far would apply to this woman, too.  But a pregnancy and a baby will change your most intimate relationships, and for most people, that includes a partner.  I’m also assuming a woman/man relationship, since they are the most common parenting relationships, but if yours looks different, I think you will still find the information applicable.

Here are some things to think about concerning your couple relationship.

1. Give your partner space.  Different people process things differently. You might be perfectly content with something, and he might be bothered by it.  You might wish he would react differently to your talk of cycles and basal temperatures, but you’ve got to let him be who he is, and let him prepare himself for parenting in his own way.
2. Lean on him.  The non-pregnant partner sometimes feels useless and left out.  Also, the mom-in-training often feels like she has to do and know everything.  It doesn’t have to be that way.  He can research things, he can make some of the decisions–it doesn’t always have to be you.
3. Keep it sexy.  There’s no doubt that pregnancy can put a kink in your sex life.  So, before pregnancy, live it up, get in all the uninhibited love you can.  But study up, too, because there are books and websites that will help you anticipate what your sex life might be like when you’re pregnant, and help you get some creative ideas.  It’s not all bad news, though;  your breasts will enlarge and your hormones will surge, so who wouldn’t like that?  And some couples find that the creativity that is forced on them during pregnancy results in some of the most enjoyable sex of their couple life.
4. Keep it honest.  It almost goes without saying that honesty and open communication are a must…but I think I’d better say it anyway.  You’re both going to be acting and feeling different, so don’t assume that things are the same for him, and he shouldn’t assume that they are the same for you.  Share your hopes,  fears, insecurities and joys…and as they say, your burdens will be halved and your joys will be doubled. 
5. Commit to your couplehood.  This should be something you talk about now, in your planning stages.  The best child-rearing situations are the ones where the parents love and respect each other, and the children are welcomed into an already strong, already loving relationship.  There can only be one primary relationship in a home; the primary relationship should be between you and your partner.  Otherwise kids have both too much control and too much insecurity, neither of which are good for them.
6. Date night.  You should be doing date nights, anyway, but make a plan to have at least one a month from the time you get pregnant until… forever.  Work it into the budget, including babysitter pay. 
7. Keep your mind open.  Obviously your projected baby will become the center of your couple-world.  But that doesn’t mean you should stop being your own person.  Read, watch interesting movies, discuss economic policies…do the things that made you fall in love with each other.  Don’t get so involved inyour new parenting role that you forget to be the people you each fell in love with.

Pregnancy can be a challenging time for a couple, but it’s also a time that can draw you closer together.  Now, in your planning stage,  make sure that keeping your couple relationship strong is a central part of the plan.

So…you’re doing your Kegels and saving your pennies to get ready for the pregnancy you’re planning.  Good.  Let’s look now at the least predictable, least tangible part of preparing your life for an impending pregnancy, your emotional life.  Im going to divide this into two parts–your personal emotions and your couple life.  This post will be about how to prepare yourself emotionally for pregnancy.

1. Be happy.  This might be harder than it seems.  If you are happy now, you are more likely to be able to maintain a sense of joy and peace during the course of your pregnancy.  That’s really good for both you and the baby.  And while pregnancy isn’t all sunshine and lollipops, remind yourself how happy you are about it.  It helps get through the bad stuff.
2. Don’t try to be happy all the time.  In your non-pregnancy life, you have to deal with the bad stuff that comes with the good stuff.  You like your job, but you have to deal with difficult people.  You love your partner, but some habit of his drive you crazy.  You have to give yourself room for those complex feelings in life, and you will have to do so in pregnancy, too.  Just  because your pregnancy is wanted and planned doesn’t mean you have to be excited about it every single minute.  Even before you get pregnant, you may find yourself struggling with doubt, insecurity and grief.  This doesn’t mean you will be a bad parent.
3. Take care of yourself.  This is the time to take stock of your life and determine whether you have too much stress, not enough “me-time,” or unhealthy habits.  Breaking yourself of bad habits is not only good for you physically, but also gives you a sense of freedom, liberation and energy you might not have experienced before.  And learn how to pamper yourself now, because after the baby’s born, those opportunities will be few and far between.
4. Begin to grieve.  In a very real way, you will be losing a certain life with the introduction of a baby into a relationship or lifestyle.  You can begin to grieve even as you prepare.  Small freedoms you didn’t even know you had will go out the window–you won’t be able to just take a walk anymore.  You won’t be able to spontaneously run off to a movie or make love on the living room floor.  You will never be “just you,” or “just us,” again.  Cherish it while you still have it, and begin to let it go. 
5. Make room for changes.  Your feelings about things are going to change.  As I said before, you can’t imagine until you’ve done it how head-over-heels in love you’ll fall with this little person.  Make your plans, but make room in them to adjust without guilt. 
6. Keep a journal.  Not all of us are great journal writers, but we all need some way to work through our fears, anxieties and thrills.  Take pictures, paint paintings, join an online support group.  Above all, find some way to deal positively with your feelings, and prepare yourself to deal postively with feelings you can’t predict in the future. 
7. Get counseling.  Now, I don’t know if you need counseling, though I am convinced that most people could benefit from at least a little bit of it.  But if you have any issues from your childhood, scars that resist healing, or troubles in your couple-relationship, now–before you even get pregnant–is the time to deal with those.
8. Talk to your doctor about meds. Many meds, including those that keep us emotinally balanced, are not okay for pregnancy.  Check with your doctor, therapist, or psychiatrist for alternative meds, and if meds are out for a while, for other ways to keep your feelings in control.