Image by OneInstant via Flickr

While many new parents have been there before, be it with their own children or a friends (or relative’s child) parenting classes really can still make a huge difference.

» Continue Reading

I’m writing this post with the assumption that you are planning this pregnancy with a committed partner.  I know that’s not always the case; a mature single woman can plan a pregnancy all on her own, and most of what I’ve wrtten so far would apply to this woman, too.  But a pregnancy and a baby will change your most intimate relationships, and for most people, that includes a partner.  I’m also assuming a woman/man relationship, since they are the most common parenting relationships, but if yours looks different, I think you will still find the information applicable.

Here are some things to think about concerning your couple relationship.

1. Give your partner space.  Different people process things differently. You might be perfectly content with something, and he might be bothered by it.  You might wish he would react differently to your talk of cycles and basal temperatures, but you’ve got to let him be who he is, and let him prepare himself for parenting in his own way.
2. Lean on him.  The non-pregnant partner sometimes feels useless and left out.  Also, the mom-in-training often feels like she has to do and know everything.  It doesn’t have to be that way.  He can research things, he can make some of the decisions–it doesn’t always have to be you.
3. Keep it sexy.  There’s no doubt that pregnancy can put a kink in your sex life.  So, before pregnancy, live it up, get in all the uninhibited love you can.  But study up, too, because there are books and websites that will help you anticipate what your sex life might be like when you’re pregnant, and help you get some creative ideas.  It’s not all bad news, though;  your breasts will enlarge and your hormones will surge, so who wouldn’t like that?  And some couples find that the creativity that is forced on them during pregnancy results in some of the most enjoyable sex of their couple life.
4. Keep it honest.  It almost goes without saying that honesty and open communication are a must…but I think I’d better say it anyway.  You’re both going to be acting and feeling different, so don’t assume that things are the same for him, and he shouldn’t assume that they are the same for you.  Share your hopes,  fears, insecurities and joys…and as they say, your burdens will be halved and your joys will be doubled. 
5. Commit to your couplehood.  This should be something you talk about now, in your planning stages.  The best child-rearing situations are the ones where the parents love and respect each other, and the children are welcomed into an already strong, already loving relationship.  There can only be one primary relationship in a home; the primary relationship should be between you and your partner.  Otherwise kids have both too much control and too much insecurity, neither of which are good for them.
6. Date night.  You should be doing date nights, anyway, but make a plan to have at least one a month from the time you get pregnant until… forever.  Work it into the budget, including babysitter pay. 
7. Keep your mind open.  Obviously your projected baby will become the center of your couple-world.  But that doesn’t mean you should stop being your own person.  Read, watch interesting movies, discuss economic policies…do the things that made you fall in love with each other.  Don’t get so involved inyour new parenting role that you forget to be the people you each fell in love with.

Pregnancy can be a challenging time for a couple, but it’s also a time that can draw you closer together.  Now, in your planning stage,  make sure that keeping your couple relationship strong is a central part of the plan.

In some ways, you’ll never be financially ready to have children.  There are just too many expenses you can’t predict.  For example, how many birthday presents will you have to buy for kids in your baby’s day care?  How much does it cost to have a birthday party for a 1-year-old, 2-year-old, etc?  You don’t usually think to budget that stuff.

But not everything comes out of the blue like that.  There are some things that you can predict and plan for.  My suggestion, before you even begin to look at numbers, is to sit down with your partner (or alone if you don’t have one), and decide what your values are.  Figures aside, what do you want your family’s life to be like? 

If you want one of you to be able to stay home, if you want the most exclusive daycare, or if one of you wants to take the baby to work, what are you willing to sacrifice to make those things happen?  Once you have your values articulated and agreed upon, then it’s time to get the budget out.  Can you get by on one income?  What would you have to save to buy you 6 months at home?  3 months?  6 weeks?

Times are tight for a lot of people right now, but here is one piece of advice I want you to remember.  Money is your servant, you are not money’s servant.  Money works for you, you do not work for money.  Now, I know the reality is that bills have to be paid, and sometimes there’s too much month at the end of the money.  But your life choices need to be values-driven, with a realistic respect for money, not money-driven with a wistful glance over your shoulder at your values. 

Having said all that, here are some things to consider about your financial situation if you are considering getting pregnant.

1. What is your employer’s family leave policy?  Federal law mandates that they must allow you 12 weeks of leave without penalizing your job, but that’s unpaid leave.  Check to see if your income will take a hit if you miss work. 
2. What is your insurance provider’s pregnancy and childbirth policy?  Check to see how many ob/gyn office visits you get and how your insurer will respond if there are complications with the pregnancy or delivery.
3. Save soon, save much.  This is good policy for life in general, but if you are hoping to quit or cut back work for one parent, you want as much as possible saved up.  And believe me, it’s never too early to start scoping out those Roth IRA’s for college.
4. Overestimate expenses.  Abide by Murphy’s Law–anything that can go wrong will.  When you budget for the coures of your pregnancy, take into account that some women end up on bedrest for long periods of their pregnancy.  And if your baby is born early or with problems that delay him or her leaving the hospital, you want to be there, with your child, not at your desk.  Plan for adversity, and be pleasantly surprised if it doesn’t happen.
5. Keep couple time in the budget.  We’ll talk about this more when we get to emotional readiness, but your couple relationship will determine what kind of home your baby grows up in.  Budget date nights and babysitters–even if it means starting a fund for it now, before you’re even pregnant.
6. Be open to renegotiation.  If you don’t yet have a child, you can’t imagine how deeply in love you’re going to fall.  There’s no point in me telling you, really; it will overwhelm you and change everything you thought you knew.  You might find that you can’t bear the thought of going back to work and leaving the baby in 6 short weeks.  On the other hand, after giving the stay-home thing your all, you might find that you are frustrated and discontent without your chosen work to balance your life.  Make sure you and your partner make room for the reality check that the actual baby (rather than the “planned baby”) will bring.
7. Budget! All of the above assume that you have a budget, so if you don’t have one, make one!  There will be enough unexpected expenses that you want to have control over as many details as possible.  You want to be proactive, not reactive, with your money.  Remember, you’re the boss.  Money works for you, so you have to tell it what you want it to do.
8. Taxes.  You have to determine what your timeline is, but all I’m saying is that a baby born before December 31 is a sweet little tax deduction.