I’m writing this post with the assumption that you are planning this pregnancy with a committed partner.  I know that’s not always the case; a mature single woman can plan a pregnancy all on her own, and most of what I’ve wrtten so far would apply to this woman, too.  But a pregnancy and a baby will change your most intimate relationships, and for most people, that includes a partner.  I’m also assuming a woman/man relationship, since they are the most common parenting relationships, but if yours looks different, I think you will still find the information applicable.

Here are some things to think about concerning your couple relationship.

1. Give your partner space.  Different people process things differently. You might be perfectly content with something, and he might be bothered by it.  You might wish he would react differently to your talk of cycles and basal temperatures, but you’ve got to let him be who he is, and let him prepare himself for parenting in his own way.
2. Lean on him.  The non-pregnant partner sometimes feels useless and left out.  Also, the mom-in-training often feels like she has to do and know everything.  It doesn’t have to be that way.  He can research things, he can make some of the decisions–it doesn’t always have to be you.
3. Keep it sexy.  There’s no doubt that pregnancy can put a kink in your sex life.  So, before pregnancy, live it up, get in all the uninhibited love you can.  But study up, too, because there are books and websites that will help you anticipate what your sex life might be like when you’re pregnant, and help you get some creative ideas.  It’s not all bad news, though;  your breasts will enlarge and your hormones will surge, so who wouldn’t like that?  And some couples find that the creativity that is forced on them during pregnancy results in some of the most enjoyable sex of their couple life.
4. Keep it honest.  It almost goes without saying that honesty and open communication are a must…but I think I’d better say it anyway.  You’re both going to be acting and feeling different, so don’t assume that things are the same for him, and he shouldn’t assume that they are the same for you.  Share your hopes,  fears, insecurities and joys…and as they say, your burdens will be halved and your joys will be doubled. 
5. Commit to your couplehood.  This should be something you talk about now, in your planning stages.  The best child-rearing situations are the ones where the parents love and respect each other, and the children are welcomed into an already strong, already loving relationship.  There can only be one primary relationship in a home; the primary relationship should be between you and your partner.  Otherwise kids have both too much control and too much insecurity, neither of which are good for them.
6. Date night.  You should be doing date nights, anyway, but make a plan to have at least one a month from the time you get pregnant until… forever.  Work it into the budget, including babysitter pay. 
7. Keep your mind open.  Obviously your projected baby will become the center of your couple-world.  But that doesn’t mean you should stop being your own person.  Read, watch interesting movies, discuss economic policies…do the things that made you fall in love with each other.  Don’t get so involved inyour new parenting role that you forget to be the people you each fell in love with.

Pregnancy can be a challenging time for a couple, but it’s also a time that can draw you closer together.  Now, in your planning stage,  make sure that keeping your couple relationship strong is a central part of the plan.

So…you’re doing your Kegels and saving your pennies to get ready for the pregnancy you’re planning.  Good.  Let’s look now at the least predictable, least tangible part of preparing your life for an impending pregnancy, your emotional life.  Im going to divide this into two parts–your personal emotions and your couple life.  This post will be about how to prepare yourself emotionally for pregnancy.

1. Be happy.  This might be harder than it seems.  If you are happy now, you are more likely to be able to maintain a sense of joy and peace during the course of your pregnancy.  That’s really good for both you and the baby.  And while pregnancy isn’t all sunshine and lollipops, remind yourself how happy you are about it.  It helps get through the bad stuff.
2. Don’t try to be happy all the time.  In your non-pregnancy life, you have to deal with the bad stuff that comes with the good stuff.  You like your job, but you have to deal with difficult people.  You love your partner, but some habit of his drive you crazy.  You have to give yourself room for those complex feelings in life, and you will have to do so in pregnancy, too.  Just  because your pregnancy is wanted and planned doesn’t mean you have to be excited about it every single minute.  Even before you get pregnant, you may find yourself struggling with doubt, insecurity and grief.  This doesn’t mean you will be a bad parent.
3. Take care of yourself.  This is the time to take stock of your life and determine whether you have too much stress, not enough “me-time,” or unhealthy habits.  Breaking yourself of bad habits is not only good for you physically, but also gives you a sense of freedom, liberation and energy you might not have experienced before.  And learn how to pamper yourself now, because after the baby’s born, those opportunities will be few and far between.
4. Begin to grieve.  In a very real way, you will be losing a certain life with the introduction of a baby into a relationship or lifestyle.  You can begin to grieve even as you prepare.  Small freedoms you didn’t even know you had will go out the window–you won’t be able to just take a walk anymore.  You won’t be able to spontaneously run off to a movie or make love on the living room floor.  You will never be “just you,” or “just us,” again.  Cherish it while you still have it, and begin to let it go. 
5. Make room for changes.  Your feelings about things are going to change.  As I said before, you can’t imagine until you’ve done it how head-over-heels in love you’ll fall with this little person.  Make your plans, but make room in them to adjust without guilt. 
6. Keep a journal.  Not all of us are great journal writers, but we all need some way to work through our fears, anxieties and thrills.  Take pictures, paint paintings, join an online support group.  Above all, find some way to deal positively with your feelings, and prepare yourself to deal postively with feelings you can’t predict in the future. 
7. Get counseling.  Now, I don’t know if you need counseling, though I am convinced that most people could benefit from at least a little bit of it.  But if you have any issues from your childhood, scars that resist healing, or troubles in your couple-relationship, now–before you even get pregnant–is the time to deal with those.
8. Talk to your doctor about meds. Many meds, including those that keep us emotinally balanced, are not okay for pregnancy.  Check with your doctor, therapist, or psychiatrist for alternative meds, and if meds are out for a while, for other ways to keep your feelings in control. 

In some ways, you’ll never be financially ready to have children.  There are just too many expenses you can’t predict.  For example, how many birthday presents will you have to buy for kids in your baby’s day care?  How much does it cost to have a birthday party for a 1-year-old, 2-year-old, etc?  You don’t usually think to budget that stuff.

But not everything comes out of the blue like that.  There are some things that you can predict and plan for.  My suggestion, before you even begin to look at numbers, is to sit down with your partner (or alone if you don’t have one), and decide what your values are.  Figures aside, what do you want your family’s life to be like? 

If you want one of you to be able to stay home, if you want the most exclusive daycare, or if one of you wants to take the baby to work, what are you willing to sacrifice to make those things happen?  Once you have your values articulated and agreed upon, then it’s time to get the budget out.  Can you get by on one income?  What would you have to save to buy you 6 months at home?  3 months?  6 weeks?

Times are tight for a lot of people right now, but here is one piece of advice I want you to remember.  Money is your servant, you are not money’s servant.  Money works for you, you do not work for money.  Now, I know the reality is that bills have to be paid, and sometimes there’s too much month at the end of the money.  But your life choices need to be values-driven, with a realistic respect for money, not money-driven with a wistful glance over your shoulder at your values. 

Having said all that, here are some things to consider about your financial situation if you are considering getting pregnant.

1. What is your employer’s family leave policy?  Federal law mandates that they must allow you 12 weeks of leave without penalizing your job, but that’s unpaid leave.  Check to see if your income will take a hit if you miss work. 
2. What is your insurance provider’s pregnancy and childbirth policy?  Check to see how many ob/gyn office visits you get and how your insurer will respond if there are complications with the pregnancy or delivery.
3. Save soon, save much.  This is good policy for life in general, but if you are hoping to quit or cut back work for one parent, you want as much as possible saved up.  And believe me, it’s never too early to start scoping out those Roth IRA’s for college.
4. Overestimate expenses.  Abide by Murphy’s Law–anything that can go wrong will.  When you budget for the coures of your pregnancy, take into account that some women end up on bedrest for long periods of their pregnancy.  And if your baby is born early or with problems that delay him or her leaving the hospital, you want to be there, with your child, not at your desk.  Plan for adversity, and be pleasantly surprised if it doesn’t happen.
5. Keep couple time in the budget.  We’ll talk about this more when we get to emotional readiness, but your couple relationship will determine what kind of home your baby grows up in.  Budget date nights and babysitters–even if it means starting a fund for it now, before you’re even pregnant.
6. Be open to renegotiation.  If you don’t yet have a child, you can’t imagine how deeply in love you’re going to fall.  There’s no point in me telling you, really; it will overwhelm you and change everything you thought you knew.  You might find that you can’t bear the thought of going back to work and leaving the baby in 6 short weeks.  On the other hand, after giving the stay-home thing your all, you might find that you are frustrated and discontent without your chosen work to balance your life.  Make sure you and your partner make room for the reality check that the actual baby (rather than the “planned baby”) will bring.
7. Budget! All of the above assume that you have a budget, so if you don’t have one, make one!  There will be enough unexpected expenses that you want to have control over as many details as possible.  You want to be proactive, not reactive, with your money.  Remember, you’re the boss.  Money works for you, so you have to tell it what you want it to do.
8. Taxes.  You have to determine what your timeline is, but all I’m saying is that a baby born before December 31 is a sweet little tax deduction.

The previous article talked about how you can care for your lady during her pregnancy.  But you’re going through a lot of changes, too, and you need some TLC as much as she does.  Here are some ways that you can do to take care of yourself during your partner’s pregnancy.

• Enjoy the benefits. You know those hormones? Once the adjustment period of her first trimester is over, her breasts will begin to enlarge and her sex drive will kick into high gear. Sure, she’ll be showing a little, but it’s nothing you can’t manage. And you don’t have to handle her with kid gloves; there’s nothing that you can do in normal (and by that I mean non-abusive) sexual relations that can hurt the baby.
• Boys’ night. Go, get out, be a guy! You can be the world’s best daddy-in-training, and still need to get far away from the very female world of pregnancy and the sight of anything pink or blue. Encourage her to go out with the gals, too. You both still have to be yourselves, as people, in addition to your new roles as pending parents.
• Accept the grief. Any change in life brings grief, even the good changes. A baby is good news, but things are going to be different. This can be hard for the dad, especially if he liked the way things were. From now on, you’ll have to share your lady with someone who needs her even more. That can be really frustrating. Don’t feel guilty about it; it’s normal to grieve the loss of a life you liked, even if something better’s coming down the road.
• Keep in shape. First of all, being in good physical shape will help you deal with stress much better. Second, during a pregnancy, men tend to gain “sympathy weight;” she puts on, say 25 pounds (some of which comes off after childbirth) and so does he (none of which comes off after childbirth!). And physical activity is a good way to get guy time, or to work out any anxieties or frustrations you might have simmering in your mind.

Being a dad is a great thing, and you’re going to be really good at it. Just take care of your lady, take care of yourself, and follow the above advice. You’ll be just fine.

Phot Courtesy of Paul Turke

So, you’re going to be a dad. Your wife or girlfriend is pregnant, and it was your little guys that crossed the finish line. Take a deep breath and believe what I’m about to tell you: This is good news. Sure, maybe you’re a little terrified. Understandable. This is a life-long deal, and that’s always scary. And things will change—you bet they will. But babies somehow have a way of making that okay. Not perfect, not uncomplicated, but worth the cost.

This post is not about how to be a great dad (you’re not quite there yet). You still have to get through a pregnancy. There are few things in life that will affect you more than this, and few things you have such little control over. You are support staff, but your job is vital. Women can and do go through this alone, but it’s always better when someone is at your side.

Here are a few tips on how to handle your lady’s pregnancy.  First, we’ll talk about what to do for her, and next time we’ll focus more on you, the daddy.

What to do for her:

• Be happy. Maybe you planned this pregnancy, maybe you didn’t, but she is desperately worried that you’re going to be unhappy about it. Reassure her. Now, in all truth, you may have very mixed feelings about this, and there will be a time to talk about those. But just now, when she first tells you, be happy.
• Participate. If she wants you to read an article about fetal development, read it. Maybe you could even track down some articles yourself. Go with her to doctor appointments—maybe not all of them, but a few. Especially go with her to the ultrasound and share that first view of your baby. Learn all you can about baby care; it’s not just the mom’s job!
• Pamper and protect. Go out of your way to take some extra care of her, but don’t treat her like an invalid. Pregnancy is not a sickness. Don’t get exasperated if she needs something strange or inconvenient, or if she’s in a crabby mood from time to time. You don’t have to let her walk all over you, but she has huge amounts of hormones rushing through her bloodstream—cut her some slack.
• Talk it out. You can share your worries and fears… in fact, she might be waiting for you to do that before she shares hers. Anxiety is normal—will you be able to afford this? Will you be any good at it? Will she still have time for you once the baby is born? Will you still have an important role in the family once it’s mommy-and-baby? Let her know you’re thinking these things.