Yesterday’s Detroit Free Press had a really good article about blended families, some of the challenges they face, and how they can be made to work.  I liked that they spotlighted one black family and one white family, and that there were kids involved that didn’t always come from previous marriages–important since about 40% of kids are born out of wedlock.

It’s not easy bringing two previously coupled people along with their kids together and making them into a new, unique family.  There are so many issues, such as rivalries and jealousies and attention and the distribution of discipline.  Then there’s percieved favoritism and the wild-card of the other parents’ influence.

But families can and do overcome these challenges.  It’s important to remember, though, that it takes more work, done more consistently than a first family takes, because statistics show that second marraiges fail more often than first ones do.

Here are some tips to making blended families work.  Notice that much of this advice has to do with how the adults act toward each other, even more than how they act toward the kids. 

• Progress, not perfection.  If you have realistic expectations and hold your family to them, they will meet them.  Usually.  Except when they don’t.  Be patient, remind often, and praise progress.  In the meantime, everyone should forgive each other for not being perfect.
• Earning respect takes time.  As the step-parent (or as one book calls them, “bonus” parent), you are a new element in a family’s life.  Show your new spouse and new kids that you can be trusted and that you deserve respect by behaving in such as way as to demand those things.
• Stick up for your spouse.  If your kids are being disrespectful to your new husband or wife, it’s your job, not your spouse’s, to put a stop to that.  If you don’t respect your partner enough to defend them, your kids won’t respect them, etiher.
• Put kids first.  Both sets of parents have to have the well-being of their kids as their top priotity…all their kids, not his or hers.
• Never badmouth your ex in front of your kids.  It doesn’t matter if your ex badmouths you.  It doesn’t matter if they truly are a jerk.  Your kids will figure that out on their own.  Kids of divorce already struggle with the feeling they have to take sides, and they will often side with the underdog, the most ganged-up-on parent. 
• Set boundaries and be generous with praise.  Don’t fall into the “you’re not my real mom/dad” trap.  In your home, you have a right to set and enforce boundaries (and your spouse should be taking a front-and-center role in this).  A few rules, consistently enforced will do wonders for the amount of respect you get from your partner’s kids.  Add to that sincere and frequent praise for things you take the time to notice, and these kids will come to like and respct you for the long term.
• Create a list of family rules that everyone has to follow.  All kids follow the same rules, whether those kids are his, hers, or theirs, and the same consequences apply to anyone breaking the rules.  That immediately undercuts the temptation to play favorites.  It’s often helpful to allow kids to be part of the rule-making.

Blended family life is a challenge, no doubt about it, but it can also expand the love and support in a child’s life in ways they’ll never forget…and that’s always a god thing.

The Transportation Safety Administration has a whole page dedicated to letting the American traveler know how they will treat you and your children when you travel by airplane. 

They want you to know that they still have to screen kids, that not even kids are exempt from security checks.  I’m glad to know that; there are simply too many unscrupulous people in the world who would use their kids as weapons to harm others. 

They do say, though (and I liked this):

We will not ask you to do anything that will separate you from your child or children.  We specially train our Security Officers and they understand your concern for your children. They will approach your children gently and treat them with respect. If your child becomes uncomfortable or upset, security officers will consult you about the best way to relieve your child’s concern.

I just really liked the way they promised to treat our kids with respect; we don’t get much of that, do we?

Of course, besides going through the electric scanner thingy and taking our shoes off, there are other security concerns with traveling with kids.  We, the parents, have to make sure our kids are crystal clear on a few things before we ever enter the airport:

• Never go further away from parents than an arm’s length (for smaller kids) or two chairs’ length (for bigger kids). 
• Never go anywhere alone.  Small kids must always go with a parent, and if that means taking a boy into the ladies’ room or a girl into the men’s room, so be it.  Teens can go to a few limited places without parents, but only with a sibling or buddy.
• Do not talk to strangers. 
• Do not let anyone give you anything. 
• Secure your carry on item and wallet or purse.  Never let these things out of your sight.
• Eat before you get to the airport; airport food costs about 20 times more than food anywhere else.
• If someone touches you–even just a brush-up-against kind of touch, tell a parent immediately. 

You are allowed to bring formula, breast milk, or juice with you on a flight, but you have to let the security personnel know you have it.  They might check it for explosives, but they won’t require you to empty it out or to taste it. 

Pretty sick world we live in where a terrorist might disguise explosives as breast milk, huh?